Shades of Grey
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Sunday, January 29

Rated "R" for "Really Bad Parents"

Kate Beckinsale is worth the price of admission for Underworld: Evolution, even if the rest of the movie is uneven and at times unconvincing. Give it a go if you like vampire movies; wait for the DVD if you don't.

And for the love of Cthulhu, if you're a parent, leave the frelling kids at home. My movie experience was tempered by my annoyance and disapproval of the not one, not two, but *six* kids under the age of seven (from three different families) who sat in rapt attention, from the very opening scene when a man is having his face chewed off, through the various decapitations, disembowelments, skull shredding (I don't think there's a word for the act of ripping off the top of a head by putting your hands inside the mouth and pulling in two directions, but it happens a lot in this movie), impalements, limb losses, surgical vivisections, naked women, threesomes, biting, spurting blood, piles of corpses and, oh, yeah, packs of 8-foot-tall scary-as-hell werewolves that rip people limb from limb. I can guaranty all of those kids are having nightmares tonight. What kind of ineffectual, judgment-poor excuses-for-parents think "hmm, it's rated 'R' for violence, gore and nudity, but I want to see it so it won't hurt to take all three of my kids to it"? Worse, what kind don't see the aforementioned face chewing in the first 15 seconds and say "Oh, you know, I think I made a mistake. My fault. I'd better take the kids home before it gets worse"? Hire a frelling babysitter or wait until it comes out on DVD and watch it after they go to bed. Having children means your own desires become secondary to the upbringing and protection of your progeny. Idiots.

Okay, I'm done. Until I gain omnipotence, or some close approximation, anyway. Then those parents are in big trouble.