Anyone interested in Shakespeare on the Green? And if so, do you have a preference between Richard III and The Merry Wives of Windsor? Let me know.

Smug? Snickering? Sultry? Pick an S-Adjective . . .

I hope I look half this good on my first book jacket.

The Unkindest Cut?

Here's one to have Amanda up in arms. "Done to death by slanderous tongue Was the Hero that here lies."

Wait . . . What?

So I heard the first single from the Spider-Man 2 soundtrack (Train's "Ordinary") on the radio yesterday. I was a little surprised they'd play the song, considering its lyrics. Then I discovered that the lyrics actually go:

Whose eyes am I behind
I don't recognize anything that I see
Whose skin is this design
I don't want this to be the way that you see me

The singer twangs just a bit on "eyes." Let's just say that the song has a plethora of new interpretations if you hear "ass" instead . . .

Behind the Scenes

My company's new Web site went public yesterday. I proofed the entire bloody thing. Six hundred-some-odd pages. Go me. :)

Read the Fine Print

I came across this article yesterday and I was so excited I jumped up and went to tell my coworkers. I was going on about how impressive 4.23 Gigabytes per second is and how you could transfer a DVD in a few seconds, etc. Then I read the article again and realized that it says 4.23 Gigabits per second. Which isn't nearly as impressive. Whoops.

"It's the Way the Medication Makes Me"

For the audiophiles among my friends, here's a quirky little song that I just love. It's somewhat (okay, a lot) discordant and not for everyone, but I get a big kick out of it (I'm going to pick up the album next time I'm at Borders). This song actually reminds me of a poem I wrote six years ago called "Deadlight" (second poem on the left side). Same kind of stream-of-conscious insane rant. Compare the lyrics if you're interested.

Lazy Sundays

Bits and pieces for a Sunday evening. First off, Happy Father's Day dad. :)

I was awakened on Saturday morning by the roar of a lawnmower (in waves, each one roaring by my window just as I was falling asleep again . . .). I need to make a note to find out who does the lawncare of my apartment complex so I can make sure not to hire them. I'm going to go out on a limb since I haven't mowed a lawn in 7 years, but I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to leave big tire gouges in the lawn and black marks on the sidewalks where you turn. I suppose some people might like the odd checkerboard pattern, but personally I'd rather my front lawn not look like a cornfield. I don't know if the ground was too wet or if their equipment was too heavy or what. I remain unimpressed.

I stopped for gas on Saturday evening (technically your Sunday morning, but I think the rest of the planet should just switch to my schedule) at a gas station I hadn't frequented before. I swiped my credit card and selected the various options on the pump, and then as I was turning around the digital screen on the pump switched to a television station. I stopped and just looked at it for a moment (partly out of surprise and partly because it was rather loud). I needed to clean my windshield, so I ignored it for awhile, and then I realized as I was waiting for it to finish that the television station that was displaying on the gas pump was Fox News (a channel with which I have certain disagreements). And there wasn't a remote. :P The channel shut off automatically when I hung up the gas nozzle. I suppose this is yet another attempt to lure customers ("Look, we can watch tv for the 30 seconds we're fueling!"), but they might want to avoid political-themed channels. I'm not going back to that one.

Amusingly, amidst the O'Reilly rants and the windshield cleaning, I managed to buy exactly $10.00 worth of gas. Not that there's anything statistically significant about it (it's as likely to come up as any other number). It's just amusing because we assign significance to nice round numbers. I actually stopped and laughed when I looked at the receipt (I bet the guys watching the security camera got a kick out of me).

Free Tetanus Shot With Every Stapler

Seen on Bash.org:

trigga: ow
trigga: i just stapled the roof of my mouth
trigga: i was holding the stapler in my mouth and it started slipping so i bit down


Now, eager readers, gather 'round the glow of the monitor to hear my own curious stapler anecdote ('cause what else are you going to do on a Thursday?). Back in the days of yore (when I was in high school), I had a Biology class with Mr. Sutton (general all-around cool teacher). One day in that class I was examining the mechanics of a stapler, which, when you stop to think about them, are actually pretty interesting little contraptions. Simple levers and springs and primitive fastening devices that all work together for our convenience. How many of us could build a stapler from scratch, even with years of work? Did you also know that you can rotate the bottom plate on the stapler so that staples deflect outward instead of inward? I have no idea why you'd want to do that, but you can.

Mr. Sutton walked in while I had the stapler open and was examining it and he told me to put it back together because class was starting. I wasn't quite finished with my examination yet and I continued tinkering with it after class started (shame on me). I had the top part "open" (such that you could load more staples into it). Eventually Mr. Sutton, slightly more forcefully, told me to "put the stapler back together and pay attention." Chagrined, I closed the top part, but I had difficulty getting the top part to snap back together. In a moment of pure brilliance, I wrapped my hand around the top part with the stapler running lengthwise in my hand and my fingers wrapped over the front and underneath and squeezed. The sound of the stapler snapping back together was accompanied by pain in my index and middle fingers, and I turned my hand over to realize in horror that I'd just stapled the tips of my fingers together. I pulled the staple out and grabbed a tissue to stop the blood just as Mr. Sutton looked over and asked if I was okay. I nodded as I put my hand underneath the desk and paid attention for the rest of the class (like I was going to admit that I stapled my fingers together in front of the entire class . . .).

Numerology for Beginners

I've known for years that my Social Security number contains the numerical string "666" (gasp!), which has never bothered me personally but has made certain people either stare at me warily or try to convince me to petition the Social Security Administration to change it. Today while paying off my Discover card balance I checked the status of my Cashback Bonus Award (which I'm never going to see, by the way, since I have to earn $20 before I can cash it) and started laughing when I saw that my current balance is $6.66. Maybe this is a sign that I'm going to be recruited by the Antichrist. As a trusted lieutenant, perhaps, or a biographer, or, with my luck, the guy who washes his car.

Entangle Me, Baby

An article in the Science section of YahooNews! today mentioned quantum entanglement! Yay! I think my coworkers think I make these words up. Hah!


Yes, I'm a science geek. :P Seriously, I've been banned from talking about quantum mechanics or string theory around my office. Bloody coworkers complaining that I'm making their heads hurt . . .

Birthdays Downunder, Mate (and other vaguely Australian-sounding phrases)

I have to routinely calculate the time difference between me and the rest of my family (who are all one time zone over), which also leads to such amusements as trips to my hometown taking 5 hours one way and 7 hours the other. But those calculations pale in comparison to the slide rules and graphing calculators I have to get out to figure out what time it is in Australia. I usually just break down and ask my friend Mull:

Me: Catch you later. :) (I'd say "night," but I have no idea what time it is there.)
Mull: It's almost 8:30pm.
Me: Tuesday or Wednesday?
Mull: Wednesday.
Me: So you're like 15 hours ahead of me?
Mull: Something like that.
Me: What's life like in the future?
Mull: Oh, it's good, if you avoid the roving gangs and take care of your organs.
Me: What are the winning lottery numbers?
Mull: Hmm, I think there was a 2 . . .

This is all relevant because it's Mull's birthday. Or rather, it's his birthday there. I think. It's not his birthday here for another 10 hours. Or something like that. In any case, Happy Birthday, Mull. :)

Labels: birthdays

Weekend Tidbits

I was lazy all weekend. Bad me. I skipped the Ren Faire (which got rained out; sorry Amanda . . .) and watched the rain out my window for most of Saturday (I was actually awakened by the thunder in the afternoon). It rained pretty much all day (starting in the late morning and going until almost night). In my brilliance I decided to do my shopping that day, which had a pro and a con: On the upside, the stores were almost deserted and I had no lines and empty aisles. On the downside, it was really, really wet. Target had a display of umbrellas and rain ponchos at the front of the store (way to take advantage of the situation). Remarkably, I was one of only a handful of people who were using umbrellas. The majority of the people out and about were complaining about the rain but just running in mad dashes from car to store and back again. I guess I was the only one who got the "Being Prepared" memo. Sunday I spent playing on my computer, pretty much all day (except for laundry). Movie plans fell through, so I watched "The Others" on TBS instead.

Other "choice morsels":

- Target had a rack of "patriotic" clothing (in anticipation of the coming July 4th holiday). I just had to stop and check the labels. The U.S. flag shirts were made in Bangladesh. The stars-and-stripes shorts were made in Singapore. Nothing on the rack was made in the U.S. I'm not militant about "keeping jobs in the U.S." or anything (I'm not as fervent about capitalism as I was in my Ayn Rand days, but I think there's still something to be said for it). I just found it ironic.

- The Supreme Court ruled on the Pledge of Allegiance. Sort of. I was pretty close when I predicted the outcome in March. I was right that they sidestepped the entire issue by ruling that the father in the case doesn't have parental standing to sue. I was wrong that they'd dismiss it. They overturned the lower court, so there's no discrepancy between judicial districts. They didn't rule on the merits of the case, though, so the issue will show up again.

- I read an interview with Michael Moore (I'm well aware that a good percentage of the people who read this think Moore is an idiot; I'm not defending him) that included one interesting statement that I found appropriate. He said the upcoming election isn't "the lesser of two evils." It's "the evil of two lessers." This made me think back to all the elections in which I've participated and the fact that there has never been a candidate that has actually inspired me. It's always been a calculated "well, which one is closest to agreeing with me?" They're . . . bland. I've had enough Poli Sci classes (I majored in it for a semester) to understand why this is. But it's still very disheartening. Maybe that's why Howard Dean was so appealing to so many people (including me). He had fire, even if it ended up backfiring. Candidates, inspire me.

- I have to stop buying chocolate minidonuts at Target. Gah.

Grammar at 4 a.m.

I've put in several hours of overtime this week ("several" as in double digits), including four hours tonight (the post date says Saturday but it's still my Friday night). It's been a stressful week. Cris messaged me at work tonight, though, to see how I was doing. I actually took a screenshot of the funny conversation we had, but of course in my tired and frazzled state I forgot to actually paste it into an e-mail and send it to myself at home before I logged off, so it's forever lost in the electronic ether. You'll just have to trust me that the gist of it went like so:

Cris: Hey! How was work?
Me: I'm still there. :P AFK a minute while I grab a document from the printer.
Cris: Seriously? That really sucks me. :(
Cris: Er, man.
Me: *ROFL*
Me: Thanks for cheering my up. :)
Me: Dammit, now you have me doing it, too.
Cris: Yeah, it's a "face in my door" night.

And now I'm off to bed. For like 12 hours. This time with my pajamas on right-side out.

Labels: proofreading

Seen in a Document II

A. That is what I understood.
Q. Is there a difference between what you're saying and what I'm saying?
A. I don't know what you're saying.


It's a good night for amusing text.

Labels: proofreading

Seen in a Document

"Thereafter, the employee will use personal leave and then vacation time until they are exhausted."

Time to start booking tiring vacations . . .

Labels: proofreading

Insults and Ice Cream

Overheard while waiting in line at Dairy Queen today:

Elderly (mid-seventies) woman speaking to middle-aged (early forties) woman: "I remember that happening once when I was your age." *pause* "Well, not when I was your age. When I was young."

Ouch.

Labels: overheard

MacGyver Ain't Got Nothin' on Her

Seen on one of Lisa's parenting bulletin boards:

She called me over to look at this picture posted by another mother somewhere, just because it is a very cute picture. While we were talking about it, I happened to notice the odd-looking object on the corner of the cabinet and said "Is that what I think it is?" Lisa laughed out loud and said "Surely not," but sure enough, in the woman's post she mentioned, at the bottom, that she needed something to keep her son from hitting his head on the corners and thought that her maxipads worked great. As far as men go, I'm not particularly squeamish about feminine products, so I just thought it was funny (a lot of guys turn red at the mere mention of such things), but I do question putting the picture on a public bulletin board . . .

Poor kid. That picture is going in his scrapbook . . .

I Haven't Ranted in Awhile . . .

. . . so look away if you don't like my rants (this means you, mom).

There was a front page article in the World-Herald yesterday about two men who were struck by lightning on the night that I took my lightning pictures (the same two Amanda commented on in that post). One is still in critical condition and has burns on 30% of his body. The other has a fractured jaw and shattered nose. I feel sorry for them and wish them a speedy recovery. But . . . what left me shaking my head was that the point of the article wasn't how it happened or what can be done to prevent it or anything constructive. The point of the article was how the two men are members of a "God-fearing Omaha family" and the family is saying the lightning strike is actually a miracle. Seriously. "We don't know why and what's going to come of this, but it can only be good." I fully understand that people use their faith as a shield against harsh realities, so I'm not struggling to understand it. I'm just shaking my head at people who continually see miracles where there are none. Getting struck by lightning isn't a miracle. Thousands of people get struck by lightning every year. Having a bolt of lightning coming at you and having it hit an invisible shield of some divine force or having an angel materialize in front of you and take the lightning bolt in the chest like some holy Secret Service agent, those would be miracles. There was a man who fell off a roof a few weeks ago who claimed it was a miracle he survived and he felt that angels were protecting him (even though he suffered injuries). That's not a miracle. A miracle would be falling 30 feet, then slowing down in mid-air until he gently hovered to the ground. It begs the question "Why are these miracles distributed so randomly?" Why doesn't every "God-fearing" person go through the same trials or why doesn't every person struck by lightning survive (even with horrendous injuries) or why aren't the laws of physics broken every day when "God-fearing" people do stupid things and need divine rescuing? To me the answer is pretty simple. Random probability. Not everyone who plays the lottery wins. Not everyone who is out in a lightning storm (*cough*) gets struck by lightning. Not everyone who is struck by lightning survives. No miracles needed. Christians suffer the same rates and kinds of injuries as the general public, so if miracles are being handed out, they're not being handed out to everyone. And, as Lisa mused, if the god you're worshipping can't keep you from getting struck by lightning in the first place (or worse, strikes you with lightning as some sort of test, even after you follow all of its rules), it might be time to pick a different god.

Another point that irked me about the article was that it (the front page article) focused entirely on the miracle/faith aspects of the family. Not one mention of thanking the paramedics who saved their lives or the hospitals who have been providing treatment. Unlike the article on page 4 that's entirely about a young man who survived a car accident a year ago after falling asleep at the wheel (and spent several weeks in a coma) thanking the firefighters who saved his life (and presenting them with thank-you gifts at a ceremony). This seems far more constructive. Let's thank the people who were actually involved in keeping you alive instead of some abstract entity you think injured you in the first place.

Out and About

At Lisa's suggestion (she's been suggesting for awhile now), I did a little sight-seeing on Saturday. First up was the glass chapel just south of Omaha. I'd never heard of it before (and in fact I still haven't heard of it except through Lisa), but Lisa's dad is quite fond of it and actually became acquainted with the architect. The chapel is just gorgeous (I can see why Lisa's dad likes to visit it at sunset, which I didn't do); it's very "Rivenish" and right up my alley (minus the religious imagery, of course). The water falls from the hanging sculpture in the visitor's center into a small pool that empties into a trough that runs all the way from the pool, in the middle of the main walking path, into the chapel, under the inner edges of the pews and to a larger pool underneath the main platform. I loved the architecture. I was not so fond of the creepy guy in charge of the visitor's center who followed all of the visitors around without saying anything and without a smile. If you get a chance to stop by, though, do so. (Or you can just look at the rest of my pictures.)

After the chapel I headed over to the Wetlands Center near Bellevue. The place was deserted (which seemed odd for a Saturday afternoon), so I had the trails all to myself. Lisa takes her kids there on a regular basis as an "evening walk" and Lane talks about the animals she sees there, although it doesn't seem to be a very well-known attraction. In any case, the walk was nice, the forest was gorgeous, the river was tranquil and the light rain was only minorly annoying (and it kept the insects down). I even saw a deer. I put the rest of the pictures in a folder.

I hope everyone else had a wonderful and tranquil Saturday. :)

Beam Me . . . Over?

Someone has too much time on his hands.

It's a Small World, After All

Seen on bash.org.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure:
In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

Weekend Update

It's technically Wednesday, so I suppose I can write a weekend update now (I know, I'm a slacker). Let's see, what did I do . . .

Saturday I saw "Shrek 2" with Lane, and we both enjoyed it. Lisa loaned me the original and I watched it the night before (I hadn't seen it), so I got a double dose of Shrek in two days. I think the second one was better than the first. I also got a kick out of the jokes for the adults in the crowd (not "adult jokes," just jokes the kids won't get). Like the "Alien" parody with a cat bursting out of Shrek's shirt and the entire "O.J. Simpson police chase" parody (and the "peppermills instead of pepper spray" thing was great). I knew that Amanda was going to see it with one of her friends, but amusingly (and against all odds) she picked the exact same theater at the exact same time (and sat one row in front of us). She pretended to be surprised to see us, but I think maybe she's just an experienced stalker.

After "Shrek," Lane and I spent the rest of the afternoon/evening at Oakview Mall, first dining out at the food court, then shopping (mostly at the book store), then getting our pictures taken, then having dessert (Dippin' Dots! Yay!), then making a mad dash through the rain to the car. That evening was the big rain/lightning storm and it was an interesting drive back to her house.

Sunday was laundry day. I was lazy.

On Monday (Memorial Day) Amanda and I saw "The Day After Tomorrow," which turned out to be not that good. The special effects were impressive. The characters and plot . . . weren't. Despite it's entire focus as a global warming, anti-pollution awareness vehicle, it did nothing to capitalize on that position and suggest solutions or spur action, and I'm afraid it will have zero impact on an American movie-going audience. I did notice that the main character drove the car I want. (Okay, technically the car I want is an Audi TT, but I can't afford that.) Amanda and I discussed the failings of the movie over supper at Panera Bread afterward and tried to go to Best Buy, but it had the nerve to be closed on Memorial Day. :P

I hope everyone else had a good weekend. :)