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Rice Krispies^® Treats for everybody!

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Rice Krispies Treats^® ('rIs 'kris-pEs 'trEts) (noun) - A sugary compound, atomic weight 143, composed mostly of puffed rice, marshmallows and butter. The compound is used primarily as a food substitute (a "snack"), although quantum physicists are interested in its ability to warp space-time in curious shapes in the same manner as black holes, perhaps due to its unusually high sugar-energy content.

[Author's Note: This was the first of my recipe photo adventures and is dedicated to my friend Jan Ledabyl of the Czech Republic, who asked one of the great philosophical questions of all time - "What are these 'Rice Krispies Treats'?" - after I mentioned them in an online conversation. Unfortunately, he was not familiar with the cereal (or with the ubiquitous phrase "Snap! Crackle! Pop!" - apparently Kellogg's is severely slacking in its duty to spread American culture to Eastern Europe). In a last ditch attempt, I actually made a batch of Rice Krispies Treats with my digital camera close at hand to show him how he, too, can make America's best-loved marshmallow-based snack. And so was born the recipe photo adventure!]

How To Assemble Rice Krispie Treats^® Safely in Your Own Home

Step 1: Assemble the ingredients.
(See picture above.)

Ingredients:

3 tablespoons butter
1 package (10 oz.) marshmallows

6 cups Rice Krispies^®

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Step 2: Melt butter in large saucepan over low heat. (You can also microwave it, but unfortunately my saucepans don't fit in my microwave . . .)

Step 2 (continued): Mmmm, nothing like a large quantity of softened pure saturated fat . . .

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Step 2 (continued some more): Try to look cool while stirring the butter and waiting for the timer on your digital camera to go off. Failing that, just stand there like I did.

Step 3: Make a 'smiley face' with the marshmallows.

This is very important. It harnesses the vital positive universal energy and traps it within the sugar molecules of the marshmallows. This energy is then transferred to the people that eat the Rice Krispies Treats^® and increases their happiness. (Rumors of coworkers flipping out and bludgeoning people with dictionaries if you instead make a 'frowny face' (and thereby trap negative universal energy) are unconfirmed at this point . . .)

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Step 4: Add the marshmallows to the melted butter.

Step 5: Juggle the marshmallows as you're adding them.

This step can be skipped if you (a) do not know how to juggle or (b) have not cleaned your kitchen floor in more than a month.

(I'm actually using the Force to levitate these marshmallows . . .
'Size matters not.')

Click the picture above to see video of my amazing dexterity (and note how I expertly direct the marshmallow I drop, er, release right into the pan!) (Don't worry, I cut the part where I dropped the other two on the floor . . .)

Click here for a bigger (but mercifully shorter) clip
of my confectionery callidity.

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Step 5 (continued): Yes, add all the marshmallows. (That's 10 oz. And no, Jan, I have no idea how much that is in litres or grams or whatever it is you use to measure marshmallows. I'm an ignorant American.)

Step 5 (still continued): Apply heat to turn the separate "sugar" and "saturated fat" components into one homogenous glop.

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Step 5 (yeah, we're still on step 5): Is it alive?

[Editor's Note: I recommend keeping a firm grip on the digital camera at this point. Melted marshmallows and lenses are not exactly best friends.]

Step 5 (If I hear one person complain about still being on Step 5, I swear I'll turn this car around!): Mmmmm, one saucepan of melted butter and marshmallows. (Sheesh, and we Americans wonder why we have heart attacks at 40 . . .)

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[Interlude]: I swear Kellogg's intentionally adds stress points to the inner bags to make them tear along unfortunate angles. Now how the hell am I going to pour them for my breakfast?

Step 6 (Woo hoo! Step 6, finally!): Channel more positive energy into the treats with another smiley face.

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Step 7: Combine the marshmallow glop with the Rice Krispies^®. (This picture will be boring to any Americans viewing this page. This is for the benefit of our less-fortunate Czech neighbors who shake their heads in puzzlement over the concept of "puffed rice.")

Step 7 (continued): "I'm melting . . . .!"

Goodbye, Mr. Smiley Rice Face. We barely knew you . . .

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Step 7 (still continued): Wow, that looks really disgusting.

Step 7 (yet again): I swear it moved . . .

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Step 8: Pour the mixture into a greased pan.

Step 9: Cover with wax paper.

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Step 10: Carefully pat the mixture evenly throughout the pan. (After a few seconds, "carefully" will become "recklessly," which will eventually become "Where the hell did I put the rolling pin?")

Step 11: Try to pull the wax paper away. The whole idea of the wax paper is that the mixture won't stick to it.

Yeah, right.

(Update: My mom has helpfully suggested that I spray the waxed paper lightly with cooking spray before applying it to the mixture. This method of sticking-prevention has not yet been investigated.)

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Step 12: Admire the final product.

Step 13: Chocolate.

For most people, Step 12 would be enough. But not me. Despite the complete lack of nutritional value and the inordinately high sugar content, these treats can still be made even less healthy. Yes, it can be done!

I add my trademark chocolate/peanut butter layer by first melting, of all things, chocolate and peanut butter.

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Step 13 (continued): Mmmmm.

Step 13 (continued, still): You have no idea how challenging it is to pour hot, melted chocolate into a pan with your left hand while taking a picture of it with your right . . .

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Step 14: Admire the final product, again.

(Yes, I know I didn't cover the entire pan in my trademark chocolate/peanut butter layer. As weird as it sounds, there are people who actually don't like chocolate, so I always leave a few uncovered for them.)

Step 15: Allow to cool, then cut with a lightsaber (be careful not to cut through the pan and into the counter . . .). (If you choose to use a knife instead, make sure not to scratch the non-stick coating, something I have yet to master.)

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Step 15 (continued): One Chocolate-Covered Rice Krispies Treat^®!

Step 16: Strike a goofy pose with your Rice Krispies Treats^® to end a silly Web page.

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